desperately

the simplicity of it all
the ease at which my soul cries out "i need you"
and so desperately i do
Lord, the torment of my ghosts are overtaking
i feel myself becoming weak
falling backwards, dark behind me
my arch pivots on the edge as my heel drops and my toe rises
slowly
ever so slowly
like watching one frame at a time
my arms stretch forward
my fingers extend
my hands reach to grasp at nothing
my eyes widen
my ears close
the sweeping feeling of gravity pulls my chest
my heart suspends
my lips mouth the words "i need you"
i tip my head back and close my eyes
and i drift slowly down like a falling leaf
my arms extend out to my side
my knees come tightly together
i settle into your arms
coming to rest in your embrace
i was so sure that you would be there
i was so sure that you would come through
i don't care how it happened, i just knew you would come
there in brilliant white
you are glowing
shining as the only light in the darkness
for this moment, our eyes meet
for this moment, nothing else matters
for this moment, i can feel that i am yours
my anxieties find their replacements
and your peace comforts my once-laboring and heavy heart
there is no mystery
there is no doubt
there is no surprise
i am comfortably and completely yours
and you, my Lord, are mine

the resurrection

lost

1 Corinthians 1:26-29
Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things- and the things that are not- to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him.


i didn't have much when i was a kid. well, i take that back. my parents did well taking care of us kids but we were not wealthy to an excess. my parents chose a nice house for us over things like cable tv, new brand-named clothes, and the hottest new toys. like i said, my parents did a great job of putting us first and trying to give us the best they could and we did have the times where they would go out and get us those things on occasion. but like i said, not wealthy to excess.

as far as socially, i was kind of a loaner. i had friends here and there which was nice while it lasted. but i had a lot of hard times with my peers and i never really ever felt like i fit in. i was a creative and hyperactive kid with a big heart and imagination. for some reason those weren't attributes that attracted long-term friends. most of the time, after a while of being best buds, my friends would turn on be or sell me out for "better friends". as a result, i was a bit of a loaner. it's an even sadder story with the ladies for me. i was never asked to a Sadie Hawkins dance. i wasn't asked out on dates. i was hardly ever asked to parties. the few relationships i did have didn't last very long except one, and that was a disaster. i didn't even really get along with many people my age- mostly either people quite a bit older than me or people that were younger. rarely anyone my age. i had such a feeling of inadequacy. partially self-projected i suppose, but i have never had very much confidence in myself.

throughout my entire life it has been one story of hurt, unfaithfulness, and betrayal after another. but the funny thing is, i can look back at it all- every heartache, every devastation, every disappointment- and i can see God. He was always there. no matter what i was doing, He was by my side. even when the things that destroyed me (unfaithfulness, rejection, etc.) were the very things that i was doing to God, He was still there.

relentlessly. faithfully. standing by my side.

He never gave up on me. He never turned his back on me. He has been the only one to stick with me no matter what. for that one reason alone, He is worthy of my entire life. but He is even more. He picks me up when i fall. He shelters me and cradles me when tough times come my way. He is my hope when every turn appears closed off. He is my supply when i am at my absolute end. my God is more that i could ever put to words. so i will put it to action:

Lord, i am lost in love with you!

my life is yours alone.

unfailing love

Isaiah 41:9-14
I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, O worm Jacob, O little Israel, for I myself will help you," declares the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.

this verse just about broke my heart. seems like i am in a time of pressure. my emotions are a little messed up and i feel accusation from all sides. i have had such a persistent heaviness lately and a battle to maintain my joy. throughout this though, God has been my refuge. i can't really say why my pleading prayers of relief go unanswered for the time being. however, i do know that my Jesus is faithful. He is truly my help, my refuge, my strength, my stronghold, my glorious friend. funny how the tough times are such a blessing. it's so encouraging to me that God himself, not anyone else, will personally rescue me. picture that: the magnificent and all-powerful creater of the universe is personally coming to rescue me. oh God, my heart rejoices in you.

Exodus 15:13
In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling.

Psalm 6:4
Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love.

Psalm 13:5
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation

Psalm 32:10
Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him.

Psalm 33:19-19
But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.

Psalm 33:22
May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.

Psalm 36:7
How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings.

Psalm 143:8
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

Psalm 147:11
the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Isaiah 54:10
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

mmm... ;)

thoughts and feelings

i have to admit that i was inspired by what a friend of mine was saying about the way they feel about their relationship with God and i can relate to it completely. i know that my replonsibility as a Christian is to share with other people what God has shown me. after all... it's about streams of living water, not stored up personal reserviors. i have to let out what comes in so that more can come. so here goes. God has time and time again shown me that my feelings don't matter when it comes to my situation and especially my relationship with Him. i'm trying to find an easy way to put this. basically, if i feel like im worthless or can't get anything right or someone else is better at being a Christian or better at praying or better at leading worship or better at spending time with God... if i feel that God can't use me or that my past disqualifies me from use in the kingdom of God or that God is totally disappointed in me or that i'm way down on the list of God's favorites or whatever...

it flat out doesn't matter.

my feelings do not dictate who i am in Christ. how i feel does not direct me (and by 'does' i mean 'should'), it is the will of God that directs my path. lies and foolish thoughts don't tell me anything about who i am or my quality as a person. do not let yourself be held captive by thoughts or feelings, instead "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2cor 10:5)

mmm... it's starting...

"Do not give the devil a foothold" (eph 4:27) by allowing yourself to be directed by how you feel so that you leave yourself wide oven to be beaten down by whatever crappy thoughts come your way. pay careful attention to feelings and thoughts that don't line up with God's word. the enemy likes to hand me a feeling and then allow me a little while to search around for why i feel the way that i do... which, conveniently is always followed by a reason that seems to line up. or another way is that he will begin to whisper thoughts in my ear and tell me how worthless i am or whatever and then come at me with every kind of depression and condemnation. friends "fix your thoughts on Jesus" (heb 3:1). pray that God would help you learn to recognize when this is happening to you and then learn to stand up against it.

now feel the passion in this verse: "No weapon that is formed against you shall prosper; And every tongue that rises up against you in judgment you will show to be in the wrong." take the time to recognize when things are just not right. you have to consciously take a stand in your mind and encourage yourself away from the stinkin' thinkin'. believe of yourself what God says that you are.

friends please take this to heart. it has been a long, grueling, bloody battle for me to get this and i want nothing more than for you to have victory in this part of your life. i bring this up "in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes." (2cor 2:11) i know you all probably know what i'm talking about and i'm no billy graham. it just means enough to me that i wanted to bring it up. bad days happen to everyone, i know that. all i'm saying is when you see the train of crappy-emotion-based and crappy-thought-based living headed your way, please, step off the track.

new phone

ok so an unnamed good buddy of mine that works at an unnamed cellular company that i use pulled some unnamed strings and got me into this sweet little phone. thought i would use this time to give a little praise report. its really nice and has a ton of features. i'm really happy with it. here's a picture taken with it of something else i'm really happy with:

mmm... so beautiful. anyhoo... i highly recommend sony ericsson phones... and girls named asiah... but you can't have mine ;)

the bunny

ok... so i haven't been writing in a while. so much has happened in the past year that it's near impossible to list it all. we now have a house in north manchester. redoing that seems to be taking a little longer than expected, but asiah and i really guard our resting times. and since we're so busy busy all the time, those are few and far between. God has recently given us the blessing of a new car. along with it came a low payment, a great interest rate, and only a slight bump in our already-decent insurance cost. i can't say enough about how thankful i am to have this car. it's so much fun and so nice... God is so good to us. anyhoo... you can read all about it at www.vw.com/rabbit
whelp, i'm out of time... but i promise more to come soon...